I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
