Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
