I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If I die, sorry about rent.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
