can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
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Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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