Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
