You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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