she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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