I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
