he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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