brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
