Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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