Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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