Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
