I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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