The maid of honor just puked.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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