Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Randomize
