new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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