also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
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