Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I wear drunk well.
I woke up under a house in Key West
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
