my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
