Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
