when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
So vagazzling was a success
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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