Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
