If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
