someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
