Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
