You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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