She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
