Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
