So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
