True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
