A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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