Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
