Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
