I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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