So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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