I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
There's always time for handjobs
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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