i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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