The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Success! We fucked roommates!
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