Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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