Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
