I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
