Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
