I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
