I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
