i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
