She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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