My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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