Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
