Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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