don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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