guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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