Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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