9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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