My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
