ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
