I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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