I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I want to be your penis for a week.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
