When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
