I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My bed smells like the plague
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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