Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
