I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
