I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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