Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
