oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
